Doctor Jackson's Notepad to the Universe
by HyperCaz
Summary: Tips on contracts concerning ascension and sparse advice on relationships in the Stargate realm, found on Daniel's notepad. A follow up of Col. O'Neill's Guide to the Universe and Mj. Carter's Handbook to the Universe.


Disclaimer: Own nothing, I do. Hm.  
  
AN: Here it is! Finally Daniel gives us a peek of his notepad...  
  
Spoilers: Mostly seasons 1, 2 and 3 coz that's all I have on DVD. Some season 4, 5, 6 and 7.  
  
I will be doing one for Teal'c when my Season 4 box set arrives in the mail. Which...will be a while.

* * *

Remember to quit Sarcophagi Addicts Anonymous.  
  
If self finds it difficult to choose from 23 languages, Jack O'Neill will have no hope.  
  
Read the fine print – especially in contracts of ascension.  
  
Don't go speaking Russian when suspected of being a Russian spy.

* * *

Definition of a Prospective Love Interest: Any single woman on any given planet.  
  
Symptoms: Constant bemoaning about wife, shifting awkwardly in presence of prospective love interest.  
  
Treatment: Wait it out – they only last an hour anyway. (!)

* * *

Reuniting past lovers proves very useful in alternate realities.  
  
Don't touch sinister looking Goa'uld fighting devices.  
  
Remind self and Jack to feed Jonas' fish.  
  
O'Neill's diplomacy depends on what he had for breakfast and how many fish he caught when last at the cabin.  
  
Advanced beings such as the Asgard somehow adore the primitive mind set of Jack.  
  
Stop putting money in betting pools concerning the relationship between Jack and Sam.  
  
Stop starting aforementioned betting pools every time alternate realities are encountered.  
  
We are all much loved by Apophis.  
  
Something of the host survives.  
  
Insanity, commonly known as the discovery of aliens, runs in the family.  
  
Incidentally, tell no one about insane relatives.

* * *

Guide to Alien Races  
  
_Nox are sneaky pacifists.  
  
Asgard are rabid scientists.  
  
Tok'ra prefer to call us rather than the other way around.  
  
Replicators...just watch_ Lost in Space _and you'll know.  
  
Tollans are technology hoarders.  
  
Reetou can be pleasant, but mostly invisible assassins.  
  
Kelownans have only become polite recently. Take no chances.  
  
Ancients are...ancient history.  
  
Unas are the First Ones.  
  
Abydonians don't exist anymore.  
  
Aschen are not trustworthy.  
  
Jaffa can be nice, depending on how fried their brains are.  
  
Goa'ulds are adulterous snakes.  
  
Tau'ri – that's me! – are sometimes gung-ho, sometimes very nice people, if I don't say so myself._ _

* * *

_  
There should be a true United Nations of the stars...just not governed by the Periodic Table.  
  
Aside from Jack, must be only one who finds the fact that a male Goa'uld can engage sexually in a female body. Note to self – do NOT engage sexually with ANY Goa'uld.  
  
Try NOT to remember that time with Hathor.  
  
Stop falling in love on a continual rebound from wife.  
  
Learn to spell wife's name properly. Either Sha're or Sha'uri, but am not quite sure.  
  
Something of the host survives!!!  
  
Find more suitable nicknames than Danny-boy and Space Monkey.  
  
White padded cells are very boring, containing no library.  
  
Brain damage is too big a cost for a history lesson on Babylon.

* * *

Allergies = antihistamines = no Stone Age tendencies. 

Therefore, self is safe. Jack O'Neill is not.

QED.

* * *

A Nintendo can pass through everything, apparently.  
  
Stop being constantly killed and/or being left behind.  
  
Being invisible and immaterial does not mean you're dead.  
  
Jack and I share the same thought plane, strangely enough.  
  
Don't go out in the woods alone...not with Unas around anyway.  
  
Choose friends wisely – exclude people like Rothman, Kinsey and Maybourne.  
  
Staring into a crystal skull is good practise for ascension.  
  
Must always have a good argument prepared to convince Jack that Prometheus is a much better name than Starship Enterprise.  
  
Don't ever pick on the geeks, be they archaeologists or astrophysicists.  
  
Stop making unnecessary trips to the infirmary..._she's_ not there anyway...anymore...  
  
SOMETHING OF THE HOST SURVIVES!!!

* * *

(!) episode time anyway  
  
Stay tuned for Teal'c. 


End file.
